Today, I am confronted by an extraordinary difficulty. One that caused my heart & mind to struggle with each other. I was at work when it happened and though it has nothing to do with my work, I must admit that it did distract me from work to a certain degree.
As I sat at my desk looking at the emails and trying to draft replies to my assignees, my mind drifted. I found myself squalling with God. Silent debates went on in my head. For instance, I questioned God "Are You sure about this? I am no longer sure of this path I am on. I am no longer confident of Your plans and Your ways as I really cannot see beyond my current situation." I continued to have debates with Him in my head and it went on to something like "I know You have plans to prosper me, I know You are good to me, I know You love me but this seems too much to handle. I know in Your good time.. I know I shouldn't be questioning you. I know all these, Lord.. But Father.. when? When would this happen? Why is this happening now?". Impatience and despair starts to creep in.
Somehow the non-conformist in me told myself that this is not it. I should not conform to how I or anyone would usually behave just because the situation doesn't seem to be in my favour. I recall when I was accompaying Reina and friends to Tertiary Service few weeks ago that one of the lyrics (I think its lyrics.. not sure) said "I will praise Him unto eternity" and that statement had an impact on me.
Not only did it lingered in my head and stuck there. There and then I told myself that if ever I find myself down with my faith shaken...I'll continue to praise Him unto eternity. Easier said than done! Today was the day my faith was shaken badly. How am I gonna praise You despite the current plight I am in? I was struggling. I struggled because deep down in me I know what is the right thing to do but to actually believe that things would be for the better when the burden just seem overbearing at this point in time was hard to believe. You know how issit that people say look upwards (unto God) and outwards when in difficult times? Well, I tried and somehow I caved in to wanting to just nurse myself first. I brushed all notions aside and told myself to continue concentrating on my work.
While walking back from the train station from work, I thought to myself "Ok, enough of this Pris Tham. The Lord has given you His only son to die for you..that's so much more than just wanting your interest at heart!".
Upon arriving back home and after freshening up, I sprawled onto my bed and I started talking to Him. I told Him how I felt, I told Him that I want very much not to sulk in despair and asked Him to reassure me and grant me courage and strength.
Usually I would have 3 books in front of me when I do my reading. 1. Bible 2. Life Application Bible (I know... they are almost the same! But don't ask me why I still read prefer reading the bible on its own though I have the Life application bible already) as well as the 3. Daily Devotional guide that Merv gave me as Christmas present last year.
I picked up the devotional guide though I wanted to read the Life Application Bible. I said to myself... "Alright, God.. let's see what have You got to say to me today that's applicable to my situation right now." Flipflipflip to 19th April 2006.
Exodus 14:13
13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again."
13 Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again."
The words "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today" came alive and spoke to me. How uncanny. Shortly after reading, I came online and Donald kor msned me to say that he sent me an email (He is aware of what is happening as I confided in him that I am upset and he called me at office upon receiving my email). I logged into my mailbox and read his email.
He sent me one of those "daily devotional emails" as well and a portion of the email indicated
"Cry out to God in faith and say, "Lord, I'm not going to panic. I'm not going to despair. I'm going to be of good cheer because Your Word says You'll deliver me from this situation" (Ps. 34:19). Then start being cheerful. It may take more determination than anything you've ever done before, but God will give you the strength to do it. He'll give you the power to be cheerful in the middle of the most ungodly darkness the devil can bring up. Instead of crying out in desperation, take a faith stand. Sing and rejoice and praise God for your deliverance. Be of good cheer and you can be sure God will bring you through the storm just fine! "
The topic in the email Donald kor sent was also dated 19th April 2006. Wow! How in the world issit so coincidental? I told the Lord "You never fail to amaze me..."(That's cos He never fails!). Praise God for his assurance to me and for sending all the caring people to my aid today. I will be of good cheer to continue my walk of faith.... and not walk by sight of the results that I wanted to see immediately.
4 comments:
God is good...
All the time...
He put this song of praise
in this heart of mine!
Hehe...
hmmm... wonder what can be so difficult that can make our always confident & smiling sis to break sweat huh? =p
>Inky: Indeed!! Thanks, Ink!
>Jon: Let's just say that the decision making process is usually more gruelling as compared to making a decision itself.
And what made it difficult was basically the decision making process in addition to convincing my state of mind there and then that the decision made was for the better. But Thank God, that was 19th April 2006 and I'm convinced! =)
19th April 2006 sounds a good date.
Anyway your post reminds me of a past situation. It was almost a year ago when i was in Joel's care group and we were undergoing a re-structuring. That was when Irving became CL leading you guys. Joel, Evelyn (his wife), Soo Guan & Karen (my ex-shepherd) were transferred to family group. Left those who you see in your CG with Irving. Grace was transferred to another group and left me the odd one out.
Joel gave me a choice: To join Irving or Chris's group (Now became KC's group). During then I was left alone to decide on where my "new life" going to be... it was really a tough decision to make as a lot of the guys in your CG were still quite "young in faith" then. Eg Jun Ming, Gab & Chang Siong. Irving would be short handed if I stayed on. But facing me ahead was entirely a new group of strangers. And also a new shepherd (KC) who I have not met before. It was indeed the most difficult time in my spirtual life! Mind you i was only around 6 months Christian. Anyway the rest was history...
Looking back, I am very blessed as I got to know more people in church who had given me their blessings and love. I also got myself a few more shepherds along the way. Also, this has allowed me to adapt faster into another new CG (Yihong's) within a year.
So now, I am really seasoned and am able to use my experience to share with new guys coming in. I must say this process really makes me grow a lot faster! Praise God!
To sum it all, though things always seem to be "unimagineable" during the process, take heart that God is watching over you at the other end.
Passage John 14:1-3:
1Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in me. 2In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."
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